lately, life

22/05

I've been practising composure. I think I've finally made peace with some blatant facts about myself. Number one being that, living with chronic pain and suffering without a cause won't get me anywhere. Trust me, as funny as it sounds I did and still somewhat am, a slave to this unusual thought. A little bit of introspection and lots of talking to friends about it has led me to believe that for a guy like me, life looks and feels really tough to sail through. I'm sometimes unable to hold back tears when I think about how right and obvious this observation is. And most importantly how long it took for me to realise it. 

While going back to my obsessive habit - being utterly and uncontrollably problem oriented rather than being solution oriented - here's my analysis of the probelm...

I presume that I've been a compulsive liar for most of the days I've consciously tried living through. Compulsive to an extent that it's become tough for me to discern between what's real and what's not. Who's actually me and who's not.

I realise that this just may be a coping mechanism - which comes back to haunt me every now and then. 

14/06

I feel like this is a pretty big change - I haven't been taking any pictures since the past month and I've got no clue why. I'm used to being a junkie for photographs on most days but even going an exciting trip couldn't phase me this time. This being a recent observation hasn't allowed me to ponder over it yet, will jot it down as soon as I come up with something.

shared glances

Corporate reeks of cologne and coffee, an aroma mingling with ambition. The epitome of idealistic human life - polished shoes clacking on marble floors, people walking upright with purpose. Each cubicle is a hive of activity, whispered strategy and keyboard clicks. A dance of efficiency and aspiration, where every moment is measured in progress. 

Amidst the hustle, there are shared glances, reminders of the human connections that thrive beneath the corporate sheen.

soul touching excerpts from the apple original - 'the crowded room'

- Then let me ask you something. If you were hit in the chest by an arrow, figure it'd hurt? 

- What?

- An arrow hits you in the chest. Simple question, does it hurt? Yes or No?

- Yes, yeah sure.

- All right second one hits you, in exactly the same spot. What do you think, hurts more or less?

- More.

- See, Buddha says the first arrow you can't avoid. It's pain. It's the shit that life throws at you. But the second one, it's fear, it's anxiety. It's the story we tell ourselves about the first arrow. It hurts as much as you let it, or it doesn't exist at all. You understand?

- Jack to Danny, Episode 4

"We've all been hurt, some more than others. And we can have a tendency to stay in relationships that are bad. Those receptors are firing telling us not to risk loosing what we have. Even it's to find something better for us, healthier for us. We stay with the hurt we know rather than risk being hurt again. But we have a choice, the truth is we always have - we just have to to remember to try to keep making it. To remember that other people can hurt us, but they can also help us. That to reach out and to let someone reach back, is a way out of pain. That doesn't mean it's easy, in fact it's hard. Terrifying even."
- Rya, Episode 9