sat on their park bench like bookends

Most trips back to home from college now consist of a new old school friend pinging me to see him or her. And my response is always the same - to stall the meet-up until that friend gets tired of repeatedly asking me. A feeling even worse than the possible humiliation I might cause myself by meeting them - making them regret thier decision to make this warm gesture of asking me to see them. 

It eats me in and out that I'm incorrigibly treding towards the day when I'll finally be seeing them one day by chance and I'll get to hear about the ignorant bastard I am and how I never gave them a thought all these days. When in fact every waking day in my own bed leads one way or another to the troubling thought of what excuses I might need to give them eventhough I'm tirelessly desperate to hug and sob in their arms. 

Reading this little confession makes me nauseous enough to rethink my choice and reconsider the due meetups but the sheer scare of being judged leaves me motionless in this anxious limbo like state. 

I miss you all so much. Didn't know I had the courage to publish this but oh well.